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Bad Jokes

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"Bad Jokes"
By Garrison Keillor; Performed by Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly
from "Prarie Home Companion"
Recommended:  Skip some verses; do a different batch each time to keep it fresh.  There are 18 verses here!  
Playing with family?  Use the ratings to guide you.  
* ratedG = safe for all, nothing worse than potty humor (5 total)
* ratedPG = suggestive but okay for older kids (5 total)
* ratedPG-13 = teenagers and up, depending on your views (6 total)
* ratedR = sexually explicit (3 total)
The lyrics here mix the film version with the official Keillor version to include all possible jokes.
Song is in D with a classic I-Iv-V blues pattern; commentary and banter between performers happens
while holding a D chord.  Feel the rhythm of the first verse to get the chords for subsequent verses.
[Intro]
D    D/c  G/B   Bb7   [x2]
D    G    A7    D
[Verse 1] 
(ratedPG)
DThe blind man's seeing Geye dog
DPissed on the blind man's A7shoe.
DSo the blind man said, "Here, GRover,
A7Here's a chunk of beef for Dyou."
DAnd his wife said, "Don't reGward him
For Dpeeing on you, A7dear."
He Dsaid, "I'm trying to Gfind out where's his mouth
So I can A7kick him in the Drear."
[Chorus]
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
[Verse 2]
(ratedPG-13)
DYou got one Dusty.
DI got one Lefty.
DLet's hear it.
DWhen God created GWoman
DShe had not two breasts but A7three
DAnd the middle onGe got in the way
A7So God performed Dsurgery.
DAnd Woman stood iGn front of God
DWith the middle breast in heA7r hand
DShe said, "What cGan we do with the useless boob?"
A7And God created MDan.
[Chorus]
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
[Verse 3]
(ratedR)
DI turned eighty tGhe other day
DAnd everybody was thereA7  
DAnd I was dressed Gup in a suit
A7Sitting in my wheDelchair
DWhen a beautiful Gyoung naked woman
DStood up in front of the groA7up.
DShe offered me soGme super sex
A7And I said, "I'll Dtake the soup."
[Chorus]
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
A7Death and sex and such bad taste,
GSomeone oughta slap my face
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
[Verse 4]
(ratedPG)
DYou ready for another one?
DYea, lay it on me.
DOllie went to the Gneighborhood dance
DAnd he won the big door prizA7e
DIt was a toilet bGrush and he took it home
A7And the next week Done of the guys
DSaid, "Ollie's, hGow's that toilet brush?
DThe one you got from the neiA7ghbors?"
DAnd Ollie said, "GOh, it works pretty good.
A7But I think I'd rDather use paper."
[Chorus]
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
A7You know the reason that farts smell
GIs so deaf people can enjoy 'em as well
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
[Verse 5]
(ratedR)
DThe farmer had a Gchampion bull
DWho bred two hundred times a A7year.
DThe farmer's wife Gsaid, "Two hundred times!
A7Isn't that wonderDful, dear?
DMaybe you ought tGo watch him,
DMaybe he'd show you how."A7  
DThe farmer said, G"He's a heck of a bull
A7But it wasn't all Dwith the same cow."
DCome on now.
[Verse 6]
(ratedG)
DMy mother turned G89
DAnd much to our surpriseA7  
DShe decided to geGt outdoors
A7And started to exDercise.
DMother walked ten Gmiles a day
DAnd now she's 93.A7  
DPoor old mother, Gwe don't know
A7Where on earth shDe could be.
[Verse 7]
(ratedG)
DA German shepherd Gwalks into a bar
DAnd says "Hey, I'm a talking A7dog.
DI know other dogs Gdo tricks,
A7But you ever hear Done talk? I
DHow about a drink Gfor a dog
DWho's articulate and eruditeA7?
DAnd the bartender Gsaid, "Sure,
A7The toilet's therDe, first door on the right."
DDid you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.
[verse 8]
(ratedG)
DLast night a man Gwas murdered
DIt was clearly no accident.A7  
DThey found him in Gthe bathtub
A7Full of milk - twDo percent.
DThere also were sGliced bananas
DBut this was the real chilleA7r:
DThere were a hundGred pounds of corn flakes.
A7They think it was Da cereal killer.
[Verse 9]
(ratedPG)
DA man walks into Ga restaurant
Dand he looks at the long menA7u
DAnd finally the wGaiter comes around
A7And says, "What cDan I do for you?"
D"How do you prepaGre your chickens?"
DSays the man. The waiter repA7lies
D"We don't do anytGhing special.
A7We just tell 'em Dthey're gonna die."
[Chorus]
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
[Verse 10]
(ratedPG-13)
DYou gotta another one Dusty?
DActually I do.
DYou hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?
DNo, who they think did that?
DWell they don't know,
DBut they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
DYou got another one?
DI got another one Lefty.
[Verse 11]
(ratedR)
DSven said to his Gfriend, "O, I think my wife died."
DHis friend said, "What do yoA7u mean you think?"
D"Well, the sex is Gstill the same,
A7But the dishes arDe stacking up."
[Bridge]
DHey Dusty.
Yea Lefty.
DDid you know that diarrhea was hereditary?
DNo, I didn't.
Yea, it runs in your jeans.
DHeya, Lefty.
DYea, go aheadin.
DWhy do they call it PMS?
DPMS, well I don't know why?
DMad cow was already taken.
DHey, Dusty.
Yea, Lefty.
DWhat do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil?
DI don't know Lefty.  What do you get?
DA religious movement.
DHeya, Hey, Lefty.
DWhat did the elephant say to the naked man?
What did he say?
DHe said, "It's cute,
But can you really breathe through that thing?"
DCome on
[Verse 12]
(ratedPG)
D"Mr. Jones, I havGe to complain
DAbout your ten-year old son.A7  
DHe's playing doctGor with my daughter."
A7Mr. Jones said, "DThat's how it's done.
DKids explore sexuGality.
DI don't see what's the matteA7r."
D"Exploring sexualGity, hell.
A7He took out her gDall bladder."
[Verse 13]
(ratedPG)
DMy daughter brougGht home a boyfriend
DWith great big ugly tattoosA7  
DAnd long black grGeasy hair
A7And Lord how he hDit the booze.
DI said, "Darling, GI'm sure he's nice,
DBut something makes me nervoA7us."
DShe said, "He's eGxtremely nice..
A7He's doing 500 hoDurs of community service."
[verse 14]
(ratedPG-13)
DThere was a man nGamed Scraggs
DBought two dozen condoms a wA7eek.
DThe drugstore cleGrk said nothing for months
A7And finally she hDad to speak.
DWhat do you do wiGth all those condoms?
DIt's simple, said Mr. ScraggA7s.
DI feed them to my Gpoodle
A7Now she poops in Dplastic bags.
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
DOne morning, the Gdevil came to church,
DIn a burst of smoke and flamA7e,
DHe ran up and dowGn the aisle.
A7He said, "BeelzebDub is my name.
DI am evil incarnaGte,
DThe object of all your fearsA7!"
DThe old man said, G"You don't scare me at all,
A7Been married to yDour sister for 48 years."
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
DTommy went to conGfession,
DHe said, "Forgive me for I hA7ave sinned."
DFather Murphy saiGd, "With whom?
A7Was it Megan or MDarilyn?
DWas it Brenda, FiGona, or Kathy?"
DTommy just rattled his beadsA7.
DThe priest gave hGim four Our Fathers
A7And also five gooDd leads."
[Verse 16]
(ratedPG-13)
DJim and John had Gto share a room
DOne night in a hotel.A7  
DJim said, "I snorGe so bad.
A7I doubt you'll slDeep that well."
DJohn kissed him oGn the cheek.
DHe said, "Sweetheart, it's aA7ll right."
DAnd Jim went and Gsat in a chair
A7And stayed awake Dall night.
[Verse 17]
(ratedG)
DOle lay on his deGathbed,
DHe knew he was going to die.A7  
DAnd then he smellGed a beautiful smell
A7Of Lena's rhubarb Dpie.
DHe crept downstaiGrs to the kitchen,
DThere it was, he let out a mA7oan.
DThen Lena whacked Ghim with a broom:
A7That's for the fuDneral. Leave it alone.
[Verse 18]
(ratedG)
D"Darling, you've Galways been with me.
DOn life's long bumpy ride.A7  
DThrough sickness, Ghair loss, bankruptcy,
A7You've been here Dby my side.
DMy heart attack aGnd the house burning down
DThat night the lightning strA7uck.
DAnd liver cancer G- and now suddenly
A7I'm starting to tDhink that you're bad luck."
DThe nice thing about Alzheimer's, men,
DYou enjoy the same jokes again and again
DAnd again and again and again!
[Chorus]
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
A7BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
GBAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
DOoo-oo-oooooo-Gwee
A7BAD JOKES for Dme.
DHey!
###

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Bad Jokes

by Garrison Keillor

Lyrics & chords · Original key

Chords in this song · guitar

"Bad Jokes"

By Garrison Keillor; Performed by Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly

from "Prarie Home Companion"

Recommended: Skip some verses; do a different batch each time to keep it fresh. There are 18 verses here!

Playing with family? Use the ratings to guide you.

* ratedG = safe for all, nothing worse than potty humor (5 total)

* ratedPG = suggestive but okay for older kids (5 total)

* ratedPG-13 = teenagers and up, depending on your views (6 total)

* ratedR = sexually explicit (3 total)

The lyrics here mix the film version with the official Keillor version to include all possible jokes.

Song is in D with a classic I-Iv-V blues pattern; commentary and banter between performers happens

while holding a D chord. Feel the rhythm of the first verse to get the chords for subsequent verses.

[Intro]

D D/c G/B Bb7 [x2]

D G A7 D

[Verse 1]

(ratedPG)

D G

The blind man's seeing eye dog

D A7

Pissed on the blind man's shoe.

D G

So the blind man said, "Here, Rover,

A7 D

Here's a chunk of beef for you."

D G

And his wife said, "Don't reward him

D A7

For peeing on you, dear."

D G

He said, "I'm trying to find out where's his mouth

A7 D

So I can kick him in the rear."

[Chorus]

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

[Verse 2]

(ratedPG-13)

You got one Dusty.

I got one Lefty.

Let's hear it.

D G

When God created Woman

D A7

She had not two breasts but three

D G

And the middle one got in the way

A7 D

So God performed surgery.

D G

And Woman stood in front of God

D A7

With the middle breast in her hand

D G

She said, "What can we do with the useless boob?"

A7 D

And God created Man.

[Chorus]

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

[Verse 3]

(ratedR)

D G

I turned eighty the other day

D A7

And everybody was there

D G

And I was dressed up in a suit

A7 D

Sitting in my wheelchair

D G

When a beautiful young naked woman

D A7

Stood up in front of the group.

D G

She offered me some super sex

A7 D

And I said, "I'll take the soup."

[Chorus]

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em

Death and sex and such bad taste,

Someone oughta slap my face

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

[Verse 4]

(ratedPG)

You ready for another one?

Yea, lay it on me.

D G

Ollie went to the neighborhood dance

D A7

And he won the big door prize

D G

It was a toilet brush and he took it home

A7 D

And the next week one of the guys

D G

Said, "Ollie's, how's that toilet brush?

D A7

The one you got from the neighbors?"

D G

And Ollie said, "Oh, it works pretty good.

A7 D

But I think I'd rather use paper."

[Chorus]

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

You know the reason that farts smell

Is so deaf people can enjoy 'em as well

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

[Verse 5]

(ratedR)

D G

The farmer had a champion bull

D A7

Who bred two hundred times a year.

D G

The farmer's wife said, "Two hundred times!

A7 D

Isn't that wonderful, dear?

D G

Maybe you ought to watch him,

D A7

Maybe he'd show you how."

D G

The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull

A7 D

But it wasn't all with the same cow."

Come on now.

[Verse 6]

(ratedG)

D G

My mother turned 89

D A7

And much to our surprise

D G

She decided to get outdoors

A7 D

And started to exercise.

D G

Mother walked ten miles a day

D A7

And now she's 93.

D G

Poor old mother, we don't know

A7 D

Where on earth she could be.

[Verse 7]

(ratedG)

D G

A German shepherd walks into a bar

D A7

And says "Hey, I'm a talking dog.

D G

I know other dogs do tricks,

A7 D

But you ever hear one talk? I

D G

How about a drink for a dog

D A7

Who's articulate and erudite?

D G

And the bartender said, "Sure,

A7 D

The toilet's there, first door on the right."

Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.

[verse 8]

(ratedG)

D G

Last night a man was murdered

D A7

It was clearly no accident.

D G

They found him in the bathtub

A7 D

Full of milk - two percent.

D G

There also were sliced bananas

D A7

But this was the real chiller:

D G

There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.

A7 D

They think it was a cereal killer.

[Verse 9]

(ratedPG)

D G

A man walks into a restaurant

D A7

and he looks at the long menu

D G

And finally the waiter comes around

A7 D

And says, "What can I do for you?"

D G

"How do you prepare your chickens?"

D A7

Says the man. The waiter replies

D G

"We don't do anything special.

A7 D

We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

[Chorus]

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

[Verse 10]

(ratedPG-13)

You gotta another one Dusty?

Actually I do.

You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?

No, who they think did that?

Well they don't know,

But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

You got another one?

I got another one Lefty.

[Verse 11]

(ratedR)

D G

Sven said to his friend, "O, I think my wife died."

D A7

His friend said, "What do you mean you think?"

D G

"Well, the sex is still the same,

A7 D

But the dishes are stacking up."

[Bridge]

Hey Dusty.

Yea Lefty.

Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?

No, I didn't.

Yea, it runs in your jeans.

Heya, Lefty.

Yea, go aheadin.

Why do they call it PMS?

PMS, well I don't know why?

Mad cow was already taken.

Hey, Dusty.

Yea, Lefty.

What do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil?

I don't know Lefty. What do you get?

A religious movement.

Heya, Hey, Lefty.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

What did he say?

He said, "It's cute,

But can you really breathe through that thing?"

Come on

[Verse 12]

(ratedPG)

D G

"Mr. Jones, I have to complain

D A7

About your ten-year old son.

D G

He's playing doctor with my daughter."

A7 D

Mr. Jones said, "That's how it's done.

D G

Kids explore sexuality.

D A7

I don't see what's the matter."

D G

"Exploring sexuality, hell.

A7 D

He took out her gall bladder."

[Verse 13]

(ratedPG)

D G

My daughter brought home a boyfriend

D A7

With great big ugly tattoos

D G

And long black greasy hair

A7 D

And Lord how he hit the booze.

D G

I said, "Darling, I'm sure he's nice,

D A7

But something makes me nervous."

D G

She said, "He's extremely nice..

A7 D

He's doing 500 hours of community service."

[verse 14]

(ratedPG-13)

D G

There was a man named Scraggs

D A7

Bought two dozen condoms a week.

D G

The drugstore clerk said nothing for months

A7 D

And finally she had to speak.

D G

What do you do with all those condoms?

D A7

It's simple, said Mr. Scraggs.

D G

I feed them to my poodle

A7 D

Now she poops in plastic bags.

[Verse 15]

(ratedPG-13)

D G

One morning, the devil came to church,

D A7

In a burst of smoke and flame,

D G

He ran up and down the aisle.

A7 D

He said, "Beelzebub is my name.

D G

I am evil incarnate,

D A7

The object of all your fears!"

D G

The old man said, "You don't scare me at all,

A7 D

Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Verse 15]

(ratedPG-13)

D G

Tommy went to confession,

D A7

He said, "Forgive me for I have sinned."

D G

Father Murphy said, "With whom?

A7 D

Was it Megan or Marilyn?

D G

Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Kathy?"

D A7

Tommy just rattled his beads.

D G

The priest gave him four Our Fathers

A7 D

And also five good leads."

[Verse 16]

(ratedPG-13)

D G

Jim and John had to share a room

D A7

One night in a hotel.

D G

Jim said, "I snore so bad.

A7 D

I doubt you'll sleep that well."

D G

John kissed him on the cheek.

D A7

He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right."

D G

And Jim went and sat in a chair

A7 D

And stayed awake all night.

[Verse 17]

(ratedG)

D G

Ole lay on his deathbed,

D A7

He knew he was going to die.

D G

And then he smelled a beautiful smell

A7 D

Of Lena's rhubarb pie.

D G

He crept downstairs to the kitchen,

D A7

There it was, he let out a moan.

D G

Then Lena whacked him with a broom:

A7 D

That's for the funeral. Leave it alone.

[Verse 18]

(ratedG)

D G

"Darling, you've always been with me.

D A7

On life's long bumpy ride.

D G

Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,

A7 D

You've been here by my side.

D G

My heart attack and the house burning down

D A7

That night the lightning struck.

D G

And liver cancer - and now suddenly

A7 D

I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."

The nice thing about Alzheimer's, men,

You enjoy the same jokes again and again

And again and again and again!

[Chorus]

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em

BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em

D G

Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee

A7 D

BAD JOKES for me.

Hey!

###

About Bad Jokes Chords by Garrison Keillor

Learn how to play Bad Jokes by Garrison Keillor with free guitar chords, lyrics, and interactive chord diagrams. Search for “Bad Jokes chords”, “Bad Jokes guitar chords”, or “Garrison Keillor Bad Jokes chords” and you will find this page — transpose to any key, tap chords for diagrams, and use auto-scroll while you play. Perfect for beginners looking for easy Bad Jokes chords and for experienced players who want accurate Bad Jokes lyrics and chords in one place. Common chords in this song include C, D, G/B, Bb7, G, A7.

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