Knife Man

...Jordan of drunk driving played his final game tonight

Emburdened by his loneliness he wanted to feel alive

His laziness built the pyramids and his solitude was a knife

The Michael Jordan of drunk driving played his final game tonight

x4

I used to be a dead guy

Now I'm a fuckin' Jedi

And I've got lots of news for you

And I've got a long list of things to do

I used to dwell on the present

I used to be so hesitant

But now I've got my whole life to live

And I've got all my love to give to all you fuckers that I hayayate

It's like the Gift of the Magi

It's like the Gift of the Magi 2!

You sold your soul to buy some tits

I sold my soul to grow a dick

We've gotta get him in the van

What if he resists?

Just kick him in the back of the fuckin' head

And put him in the back of the fuckin' van

It's a miracle of science,

All this betrayal and violence

And it lives inside us all

It lives inside our hearts

Just like a stupid fucking tape worm

Who can we blame?

x3

The husband divorced his wife

After she cut her hair

Because she was way less fuckable

And that's just unforgiveable

He moved into a condo

And hung out by the pool

But he never wore a bathing suit

He just wanted scope out the talent

If God doesn't like ugly

Then God doesn't like anybody

So fuck God anyway

God is osbsolete

Oh, my God thinks my jokes are funny

There is no one to blame

People are just fuckin' mean

Go Suns!

[Verse]

I am white and I've got everything I need.

No one clutches their purse when they're in a room alone with me

and I can drive through any neighborhood I please

at any hour and the police don't do a thing.

So if I see a penny on the ground,

I leave it alone or fucking flip it.

I'm a straight white male in America.

I've got all the luck I need.

I'm a guy getting paid more than a girl with a degree

and I can walk down the streets after dark and no one wants to rape me.

And I can get a girl pregnant and just as easily flee.

Just like my straight, white male dad did to me.

So if I see a penny on the ground,

I leave it alone or fucking flip it.

I'm a straight white male in America.

I've got all the luck I need.

[Bridge]

I've got a pile of broken mirrors and I'm walking under ladders

and I'm spilling tons of salt because to me that doesn't matter.

'Cause my skin and my gender and my orientation

are the best things to have when you live in this nation.

I recommend it highly.

So if I see a penny on the ground,

I leave it alone or fucking flip it.

I'm a straight white male in America.

I've got all the luck I need.

Shit's gonna work out for me.

I'm a straight white male in America.

I've got all the luck I need.

[Verse]

You were dead by the time that I had found you.

Your blood was spilled on the couch where we had first kissed.

So I carried you west to the sea so I could wash you.

Your body felt just like a back pack.

And I don't know what they did to your face.

And I don't like it.

[Verse]

You lived large till the day they finally caught you.

They cut out your tongue so you would not scream when you came to.

And you pissed blood and they chained you up when you turned blue.

Your body felt just like a t-shirt.

And I wanna build a tower to all the nicer things you could have been.

But I don't like it.

[Bridge]

x2

You were dead by the time that I had found you.

x2

The first month after you left I drank and jerked off till I slept.

I went to work when I had to and then came home.

I fed the dog when I had to. I fed myself when I had to.

I went out of town when I had to. And then came home.

And I know this won't last forever

but god dammit it feels like forever since we've been together,

till we'll be together again.

x2

Second month after you left I still felt real depressed

but I've got plenty of other things to spend my time on.

I hate whiny, fucking songs like this but I can't afford a therapist.

Sorry guys, here's a solo.

x2

And it's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else.

I wish that I was someone closer to you.

And I know this won't last forever

But goddammit it feels like forever since we've been together,

Till we'll be together again... WHOO!

x4

---------

I'm gonna fuck the devil in his mouth.

I just need to listen to my sickness so I can learn how

and then train for a couple of weeks

until I have all the skills I need.

The flask is an alcoholic's paintbrush.

The flask is an alcoholic's toothbrush.

I need to go throw up now.

I want to be the queen of belly rubs now.

I am gonna quit my job

'Cause I have got another job

And I don't need to work two jobs.

I guess you could call me lucky.

[Verse]

I need to confront my own weakness.

Some days I feel like I'm the weakest and others

The strongest, these days are the longest

And I've got the weirdest feeling about this

I wanna go away for a while.

Away for a while.

Because the things that I have seen are turning

Me into a shitty human being.

x2

[Verse]

I wish I had a bullet big enough to fucking kill the sun

I'm sick of songs about the summer

And I hate everyone

I'm gonna load my rifle gonna aim it at the dying star

I wanna live in a bubble

I need a getaway car

Hate, rain on me

Hate, rain on me

[Verse]

How can I be someone you love if you hate me

And how can I be someone you respect if you call me lazy

I gotta get out of my skin

But I don't know where to begin and right now

I feel worthless

And I feel crazy

Hate, rain on me

Hate, rain on me

[Bridge]

I wanna put on my sweatpants

You know I'm trying to quit

I wanna give a shit again

I wanna put on my sweatpants

Don't you know I'm trying to quit

I wanna give a shit again

Hate Rain On

Hate Rain On

Hate Rain On Me

Hate Rain On

Hate Rain On

Hate Rain On Me

[Verse]

If you have love in your heart, then who am I to judge you?

If you have love in your heart, then no one will rise above you.

I'm a complicated man I only wish that that were true.

If you have love in your heart, then no one will rise above you.

In the new jack city.

In the new jack city.

x2

------------

Who do you call on when you have no one.

Who do you call on when you have no one.

This might not be nice to say but I'll say it anyway.

When you have no one, you are no one.

I used to work at the people pound.

I used to watch them line up. Some sleeping on the ground.

Their diabetic bellies gleaming fat and round.

When you have no one, you are no one.

Like I said, I used to work at the people pound.

All these no ones clumped together, just like a human lost and found.

If they let them all be someones there wouldn't be enough to go around.

It's better for us all if there are no ones.

And I knew a lot of no ones round that time.

They used to all be someones until something took their life

And all their someones disappeared while they're stuck waiting in a line.

And for them now, no one seems to have the time.

I knew someone who had a disease

And it took away all that mattered, his brain dignity.

And tried my best to fight it off, to try and set him free.

Now that someone is no one to me.

Who do you call on when you have no one.

Who do you call on when you have no one.

This might not be nice to say but I'll say it anyway.

When you have no one, you are no one.

And it takes no one.

To know one.

[Verse]

They say ambition is an enemy of greatness.

And greatness is an enemy of fame.

When I pick up my guitar and I try to write a song

I think of what my mentor used to say.

Who fucking gives a rat's ass Steve, just write a love song.

Cause they'll keep your belly full and your wallet lined.

Don't bother these nice people with your sad sack songs.

If you ask me I think they're just a waste of time.

Inspiration is the best friend of my sorrow

and sorrow is the best friend of my drink.

Well I want to look myself in the eye tomorrow

but I'm too worried of what other folk's will think.

Who fucking gives a rat's ass Steve, just write a love song.

See a counselor if you need to ease your troubled mind.

And can you please sit over there I don't want you crying in my beer.

Do you want some cheese with that whine?

[Bridge]

There's a song that I keep trying to sing to no-one.

But I'm afraid that it's too short or it's too long.

And to add to all the things that I'm afraid of.

The devil stopped sending me his songs.

And the troubles in my heart need to get let out.

And the troubles in my heart need to escape.

And I never liked writing poetry and I never liked doing pottery.

And God knows that I never learned to paint.

So every now and then, I'll sing a sad song

'Cause it keeps my spirit light and my conscience clean.

And if you don't care to hear I don't mind if you go out for some air.

'Cause I'm happy that you're happier than me.

I'm happy that you're happier than me.

I'm happy that you're happier than me.

--------------

[Verse]

If I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette

then I'd have enough cigarettes to get me through the day.

And if I had some spare change every time a perfect stranger asked me for some spare change

then I'd have enough spare change to take care of these bills I need to pay.

And dude I know that times are tough,

but that does not mean that you can have my stuff.

So how about a ride? I can drive you to the shelter.

We can eat dinner at the Andre house and you can even take a shower.

Cause I think you deserve much more than a smoke and fifty cents.

You deserve to be self-sufficient and buy your own cigarettes.

Oh, when the saints, oh, when the saints, oh when the saints go marching in

They will feed you so much pizza that you'll forget about the rut that you are in

Oh, when the saints, Oh, when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in

Well I'm sure they'll feel so much better with the illusion

that they are helping out those sinners

when all they really do is buy those so called sinners shitty dinners

Like 5 dollar Hot and Ready pizzas and high fructose corn syrup punch

You diabetic and apathetic wondering, when they will bring you lunch

to the park they keep you in, when the saints go marching in

So I wish I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette

but I wonder what a cigarette will really do to help that person out

I wish to God I had some spare change for every time a perfect stranger asked me for some spare change

but there's not enough spare change in the world to make such an empty gesture count.

[Verse]

If you've been kicked in or abused or mistreated or misused.

You were told there was nowhere to go but up for you.

If you've been hurt or you've been betrayed.

If you've been fucked or you've been displaced.

You were told it was probably your fault anyway.

But when your Hustler subscription and your Xanax prescriptions

Make you feel lonelier instead.

You don't want to hear about all those starving children.

You don't want to be told it's all in your head.

Cus if it's all in your head, that's terrible.

I saw a junkie lying in a puddle of his own blood last week.

I saw a cyclist get hit by a car.

I saw a homeless guy chug a bottle of mouthwash on Christmas eve.

No, you can never fall too far.

You can buy a Salad Glove and you can buy an iPod.

And you can sell that shit to Bookmans